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In this episode of the Anglotopia Podcast, host Jonathan Thomas sits down with retired British police officer, military veteran, and author John Donoghue to discuss his remarkable journey from the Royal Navy and British Army to 40 years in the police — and then, in retirement, accidentally becoming a castle guide at Pembroke Castle in Wales. John’s new book, *Castles, Crime and Cake: A Policeman’s Accidental Guide to History*, blends laugh-out-loud stories from the beat with medieval history, bizarre forgotten British laws, and surprisingly profound reflections on finding purpose in later life. Along the way, Jonathan and John explore how British policing differs from American policing, the absurdity of some 999 emergency calls, what it means to police without firearms, the infamous Salmon Act of 1986, and the ghost of a murderous monkey haunting a Welsh castle.
Links
- Castles, Crime and Cake by John Donoghue — Amazon Link
- John’s police memoir trilogy
- Pembroke Castle, Wales — pembrokcastle.co.uk
- Durham Constabulary — durham.police.uk
- Friends of Anglotopia
Takeaways
- John Donoghue served in the Royal Navy, British Army, and police across a 40-year career before retiring to become an accidental castle guide.
- British police operate without firearms in most situations, relying instead on communication, humor, and patience to defuse confrontations.
- The UK has 43 regional police forces, each covering a defined geographic area and handling all crimes within it — unlike America’s layered federal, state, and local system.
- “Policing by consent” means British officers see themselves as part of the community, earning authority through trust rather than force.
- The 999 emergency line receives some truly baffling calls — including reports of stolen snowmen, dogs looking at people funny, and complaints about McDonald’s breakfast hours.
- John accidentally became a Pembroke Castle guide after sending a CV that included a photo of his dog eating birthday cake — and still got the job.
- The Obscure Crime Preservation Society (membership: two, including Jonathan) was founded to highlight Britain’s forgotten and bizarre laws still on the statute books.
- The Salmon Act of 1986 makes it illegal to handle a salmon in suspicious circumstances — and John tried to get himself arrested under it.
- Police humor and dark comedy are genuine coping mechanisms for officers exposed to high levels of trauma and PTSD.
- The biggest life lesson John took from policing: approach everything with a sense of humor — it won’t always work, but it’s the best tool you have.
Soundbites
- “I could either go to university like my brothers had, or do something more exciting. For me it was a choice between more schoolwork or a life of adventure — so I chose the latter.” — John on why he joined the Royal Navy at 18.
- “I thought, what other job would you have where a dog comes into the room and just does a poo and nobody says a word? So I thought, I’ve got to start writing these stories down.” — John on the incident that convinced him to write his police memoirs.
- “I’ve been punched, kicked, had broken bones, been stabbed in the face, put in hospital. That’s the downside — but we don’t carry guns because our public don’t carry guns.” — John on the realities of unarmed policing.
- “We police because the community wants itself to be kept safe and kept lawful. We don’t do it with a heavy hand — talk first, and then force if needs be. Not the other way around.” — John explaining policing by consent.
- “My CV basically consisted of: I can navigate a warship, I can shoot the enemy, and I can arrest baddies. So I thought it’s not a great CV.” — John on applying to work at Pembroke Castle.
- “I want it to be like the best tour since Willy Wonka’s tour of his factory — but with maybe less deaths.” — John on his approach to castle guiding.
- “Women can’t eat chocolate on a bus. You can’t wear armour in the House of Commons. You’re not allowed to be drunk in a pub. These laws are still on the statute books.” — John listing Britain’s strangest surviving laws.
- “The fishmonger asked if I wanted him gutted — but to be honest, he looked gutted enough already.” — John on acquiring Steve the salmon for his Salmon Act experiment.
- “Every contact leaves a trace — like fingerprints and DNA. And just the same, every contact leaves a trace on your soul. All that negativity can have an effect on you.” — John on the psychological toll of policing.
- “I don’t know where they could have parked — it’s double yellow lines outside.” — A robbery victim’s response moments after an armed raid, which John recalls as a reminder that hope is always the last thing left.
Chapters
- 00:00 Welcome & Introduction — Jonathan introduces John Donoghue and his new book
- 01:42 A Life of Service — From the Royal Navy to the British Army to the police
- 03:10 Writing the Police Memoirs — How bizarre incidents on the job inspired John to write
- 06:33 The Bravery Commendation — Rescuing a family (and their pets) from a house fire
- 07:50 Police Humor & the Women’s Institute — Writing for a general audience
- 09:34 British vs. American Policing — Core similarities and key differences
- 10:51 Policing Without Firearms — What it’s really like to work unarmed
- 12:45 Rank Structure Explained — What a PC is, and how it compares to American officers
- 13:44 How UK Police Forces Are Organized — 43 forces, one geographic system
- 15:39 Absurd 999 Calls — Stolen snowmen, dog stares, and McDonald’s complaints
- 17:52 Policing by Consent — What it means in everyday practice
- 19:31 British Police Jargon Decoded — Response officers, custody suites, and more
- 20:11 Becoming an Accidental Castle Guide — The CV, the dog photo, and the job offer
- 23:31 The Crime Preservation Society — Breaking Britain’s forgotten laws
- 25:25 The Salmon Act of 1986 — Handling Steve the salmon in suspicious circumstances
- 27:28 More Bizarre British Laws — Armour, top hats, chocolate, and convicted Egyptians
- 29:38 Obscure Laws in Police Training — What they never taught at the academy
- 30:22 Pembroke Castle — History, Henry VII, and why it’s never been taken by force
- 31:45 The Monkey Ghost — A Welsh castle’s most unusual haunting
- 34:20 Police Skills Meet Castle Tours — Crowd control, hecklers, and bored teenagers
- 36:01 Strangest Tourist Questions — Railway lines, castle roofs, and knight nurses
- 37:03 Getting Banned by a Police Force — How the books opened and closed doors
- 38:28 The Biggest Life Lesson from Policing — Humor, hope, and the Pandora’s Box story
- 41:41 What’s Next — Jesters, Roland the Farter, and no writing projects yet
- 43:37 Wrap-Up — Book details and how to find John’s work
Video Version
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